Journey Blogs

What does Spring-time mean to you?

Sat, 27 Mar 2010 07:26:00 -0700

Spring time signals a time for renewal, rebirth, new love, and best of all, spring-cleaning. Birds singing in the morning and crickets chirping at night usually signals to me that “Spring is in the air.”

For some, Spring signals a time to put away our winter coats, which can mean “literal” coats, or that extra “coat” some of us gain over the holidays. Tax season, which occurs in the spring, requires that we look at “cleaning up” our spending habits. New summer fashions require us to look at “ cleaning up” our eating and exercise habits. For some, the end of winter means the beginning of feeling better emotionally, as some struggle with depression during the winter months.

Mythologically speaking, Spring was the time that Persephone emerged from the underworld, happy to be reunited with her mother, Demeter. As a result, life would once again be experienced on the “topside.” To the mortals, it meant that Demeter would allow the earth to prosper during her time with her daughter. This was a time of renewal, when the long winter months, during which the earth “died”, were over and the earth was “reborn” in celebration of Persephone’s return.

Regardless of what Spring means for you, Springtime signals for most a time to make some long overdue changes. Springtime can be a time when people feel an energy shift after a long winter period…a time for rebirth after a long period of lifelessness.

If you are feeling the energy shift and would like to explore how this new burst of energy can best be utilized to usher in a psychological renewal, a growth cycle that leads to a more Authentic way of being and living, give us a call. One of our journey therapists would be happy to assist you as you look at those areas, whether individual- or relationship-oriented, that are in need of a good Spring cleaning!

If you would like help in this area, click here to give Dr. Miller a call or send her an email to request an appointment.

Saying "I'm Sorry" Doesn't Mean I am Wrong

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 09:14:09 -0800

The topic of “Apologizing and Saying ‘I am sorry’” has been the issue of the day. With the holidays quickly approaching, and with them, all the problems that were left unresolved from last year, this issue seems to be one that people seem to hold onto with utter vehemence. It can lead family members to feeling alienated or frustrated around “family events” during the holiday season.

In my work with couples, the issue of apologies and saying “I’m sorry” in a meaningful way, or rather the lack of apology, can keep a couple stuck in a stalemate, or worse, standoff position. I often hear from the “most wounded” party that the offending party “can never admit they are wrong and therefore won’t apologize or say they are sorry when they hurt me.” So the wounded person remains wounded by the initial action and is further wounded by their interpretation of the offending party’s inability, or apparent unwillingness to make amends.

What is interesting to me is that people often use phrases or words without really understanding their meaning or from where they originate, which can shed light or add further meaning to the definition.

For example, the word “sorry” is a “short cut” for the word “sorrowful”. Imagine if instead of saying “I’m sorry” when we have hurt someone we care about, we said “I am filled with sorrow at having hurt you.” It seems to me that the person hearing this would probably feel more connected and likely to want to move toward, rather than away from, the person who hurt them. It does not imply that the person is wrong in any way, it simply states how they feel about what happened in the conversation, situation, event, etc., that caused their loved one to feel hurt.

In the spirit of gaining a clearer understanding of words used in disagreements, let’s move on to the word “apology” or “apologize”. This word comes from the Greek word “apologia,” which means “to give an answer, excuse, reason, explanation for.” So when we say “I apologize” (instead of saying “I’m sorry” because these two words are more difficult to utter), what we are really saying is “I am giving an answer, excuse, reason, explanation, etc., for hurting you.” It is no wonder that the person who has been hurt may have difficulty hearing the “apology” and may thus find it difficult to move toward and connect to the offending party.

Moving on, let’s look at the word “forgive”. This word was actually first used in reference to debts. If applied to relationships, when someone hurts us, they in essence have created a debt of woundedness with us, to which we hold the note. When we are unwilling to “forgive” a “wound debt”, what we are essentially saying is either “you have not paid the proper price” or “I am not ready to release you from the note you owe.” In either case, we stay connected in a negative and harmful way (to self and to relationship) to the indebted person. It gives us a certain power over them as long as we hold the note. This can create fractures to the foundation of the relationship as the indebted person begins to feel powerless. Both parties start distrusting motives, intentions, feelings, and behaviors of the other. Unforgiveness in ongoing relationships can ultimately lead to the death of a relationship if allowed to continue unchecked.

There may be some who might be thinking, “Well, if I forgive them, then they will think it is okay for them to hurt me again in this way, like what they did no longer matters to me, and they will continue to wound me.” To this I would counter, forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness. In fact, I would take this a step further in saying that we must move to forgiving and re-membering the offensive event. What I mean by this is that we re-organize our thoughts around the situation that occurred so that we can create different boundaries around the issue in order to prevent it from occurring again.

Re-membering does not mean constantly reminding the offending party of what they did, it means that we do what we can as a couple, who has moved to reconnection because genuine sorrow has been expressed over the offense, to ensure that we draw proper boundaries and define ground rules about how we will relate to each other in that area, so that we can avoid any further wounding. As a couple, we return to working in unison to protect the relationship from toxic experiences that could lead to further wounding. This may be the place where the apology, or explanation, is considered in terms of providing information only, not to excuse the behavior. Once the boundaries or ground rules are in place, we move back to the business of relating in a loving, accepting, and embracing way, knowing that there is a mutual understanding and agreement of how we will interact with each other.

If you would like help in this area, click here to give Dr. Renee Miller a call or send her an email to request an appointment.

Asserting Your Rights while Respecting Others

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:57:32 -0700

I often get questions about how one should go about asserting themselves without feeling bad or like they are bullying others. To someone whose tendency is to be more passive, being assertive can feel more like aggressiveness. David Richo, in his book, “How to be an Adult,” states that when we are being assertive, we:

✦ Ask for what we want, we do not demand it
✦ Are informed by others’ behaviors, not affected by them
✦ Are not trying to control circumstances or others’ behaviors
✦ Say “yes” when we mean “yes” ,“no” when we mean “no”, and “maybe” when we mean “maybe”
✦ Own our power
✦ Are open about our feelings, choices, agendas
✦ Take responsibility for our “stuff”--feelings, thoughts, choices, agendas, etc.
✦ Work toward a Win-Win outcome

The differences between Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, and Assertive communication styles are seen in the following outcomes:

Communication Style Outcome

Passive You win, I lose

Aggressive I win, you lose

Passive-Aggressive I make you think you win, but you lose and
I make you think I lose, but I win

Assertive You win, I win

Which style of communication do you most often resort to? How does this affect your relationships or ability to be authentic in your relationships?

Part of taking responsibility for our “stuff” means that we resolve unfinished business with those who have wounded us in some way. This might mean that we actually go to those people and seek resolution. It might also mean that we reframe our thinking around how we were wounded, to find meaning and forgiveness in the wound that will allow us to move forward in our lives, whether or not we are able to involve the person or persons who wounded us.

What unfinished business might be keeping you from communicating assertively? If you would like to explore this more and learn how to communicate more effectively and assertively, give me a call. Together, we will begin that journey toward healthier communication and toward helping you get your needs met without leaving you feeling bad, guilty, or like you have bullied someone.

Click here to request an appointment via email. I can also be reached at 714-296-8052.

I Have the Right to...

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 11:12:17 -0700

When we feel angry, it is usually because somehow, somewhere, someone has violated one or more of our rights as a human being. The anger response let’s us know that we have been violated and that we must reclaim that stolen ground. We reclaim it by asserting our rights. It is difficult to assert these rights when we do not really know what they are or do not feel that we are truly entitled to them. Read the blog on “Asserting Your Rights While Respecting Others” for ideas on how to assert your rights effectively.

Here is a list of Human Rights that all human beings are entitled to:

My Human Rights

I have the right…
To be treated with respect
To have and express my feelings and opinions
To be listened to and taken seriously
To set my own priorities
To say NO without feeling guilty
To say MAYBE without pressure to decide in accord with someone else’s timing
To decide when and whether or not I am responsible for finding solutions to others’ problems
To decide when and whether or not I am responsible for taking care of others’ needs
To ask for what I want
To get what I pay for
To ask for information from professionals
To change my mind
To make mistakes
To be illogical in making decisions
To have secrets and to decide how much of myself/life I want to reveal to others
To choose NOT to assert myself, when to do so might put me in danger
To decide what to do with my body
To decide what to do with my time
To decide what to do with my property
To use my own judgment in deciding which of my own needs are most important
To be independent of others
To consider my own needs as important as those of other people
To let go of the unmanageable things in my life
To take care of myself as I see fit
To be happy
To dream

Anger is Good!

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 22:38:23 -0700

You may have heard the phrase, “Anger is a feeling and feelings aren’t good or bad... they just are.” Feelings of anger can cause people to behave in ways that can lead to trouble at work, in relationships, and with the legal system. So it is easy to see why people often mistakenly view anger as bad. I would challenge the idea of “feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are.” I believe that anger is a good feeling that signals us when our human rights are being violated in some way.

When someone calls me for help with “anger management,” they usually ask for help in managing the feeling, with the hope that their behavior won’t keep getting them into trouble. Somehow, they have been given the idea that the feeling of anger is “wrong” and must be “managed” or altogether discarded. This is especially so if they are forced to seek therapy under threat of divorce, separation, break-up, jail-time, etc., “because of their anger issues.”

My first response to a request for anger management therapy is usually psychoeducationally-oriented, as I explain that the feeling is not what is causing the problem, it is the ineffective expression and use of their anger. I explain that the work we will do starts with redefining their ideas around anger and associated behaviors. This may include looking at what they learned about anger and the expression of it in their childhood home.

The “angry” person usually states that they are worried about giving up their “right” to be angry when someone or some situation “makes them mad.” I explain that avoiding the feeling will only lead to passive-aggressive behaviors, and thus, is not the answer either.

Together, we begin to explore those situations that make them most angry. What I usually hear is that there has been a violation of a human right of some sort, which leads them to feel angry. The resultant behaviors seem to be an attempt to stop the violation from continuing. However, as stated earlier, depending on what was learned from their childhood models, these attempts can be extremely ineffective, and sometimes, destructive to the person feeling violated and angry, and to the violating person.

As we identify areas of violation, we explore more effective ways of expressing feelings about being violated. My approach to “anger management” is really about helping clients listen to their symptoms (i.e. angry feelings) and what these symptoms are trying to tell them. If they learn to pay attention to the symptoms and understand the purpose of them, they are able to manage their behaviors more effectively when they feel violated. They learn to regulate the “fight” response that kicks into high gear when the brain perceives a violation or threat. They learn that as long as they can regulate the “fight or flight response system”, they can keep both sides of the brain talking, allowing them to access the most effective and non-destructive expression of their anger. They learn how to assert themselves without aggressive behaviors.

If you, or someone you know, is struggling with “anger issues”, click here to give me a call or email me...I can help.